Gender roles are constantly evolving, who can doubt that? However, the question of whether it's easier to be a "good mother" or a "good father" is a pertinent one, as expectations from which society, family, and children themselves shape what it means to be a "successful" parent remain very different for mothers and fathers.

The High Bar for Mom

For mothers, societal expectations are overwhelming. Society expects them to be the primary caregivers, responsible for everything from feeding to their children's emotional well-being. According to a 2020 study by the American Sociological Association, mothers spend an average of 14 hours more per week than fathers on direct childcare, even when both work full-time. This burden is not only practical but also emotional: they (we) face what experts call the "mental load," the invisible task of planning and coordinating family life.

"Everyone demands that you be the perfect mother: always present, always patient," says Laura, a mother of two and a physician. “If you prioritize your career or take a moment for yourself, you feel judged. It’s like it’s never enough,” she added.

A 2022 report from the Journal of Family Issues confirms to Lien that more women than she can imagine share her perception: 70% of mothers report feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to meet an impossible standard of perfection.

Fathers: Praise for the Minimum

In contrast, fathers seem to have fewer requirements to meet to be considered “good.” Society still views them as financial providers, but even in this role, expectations have evolved. Modern fathers are more involved in parenting, yet their efforts are often disproportionately applauded: “This year, I’ve gone to every school meeting and I’ve noticed people acting like I’m a hero,” says Luis Abel, father of an eighth-grader, “but my wife did the same thing every year before, and no one notices.”

An analysis published in 2000 by Gender & Society, an academic journal specializing in gender studies, describes this phenomenon as the "low threshold for fathers": basic tasks such as changing a diaper or attending a school meeting are seen as exceptional when performed by a father.

However, fathers are not exempt from pressure. The expectation of being the breadwinner persists, especially in difficult economic contexts. A Pew Research Center report (2020) found that 76% of fathers feel pressure to provide financially, which could limit their ability to be more involved in parenting.

But Laura, based on her personal experience, assures us that "even in this respect, we are more permissive with men. Since we separated, my children's father hasn't bought them a single pair of shoes, a backpack, or even a loaf of bread for their school snack, because his financial situation 'doesn't allow it.' He's as much a doctor and specialist as I am; we earn practically the same. What would happen if, suddenly, I couldn't either? I'd be an unnatural mother who didn't take care of her children, but he wasn't; he's a good father in a bad patch."

Luis Abel offers another side of the coin: "When our second daughter was born, she's three years old, the mother stayed with her for the first six months to ensure exclusive breastfeeding, but then I asked for leave so she could return to work. They almost didn't give me the leave, even though it's the law; no one understood, they did everything they could to convince me to change my mind, even my colleagues thought it was very bad that my wife would leave me in charge of such a small baby." And yes, those who take on intensive care roles sometimes face stigma for not conforming to the traditional image of the "strong man."

Yet another perspective is that of Sergio and Mila, who, protected by the new Family Code, decided to assume joint custody of their children after their divorce. However, her own family has waged war against them: "What kind of mother does that?" they question, based on old assumptions.

Toward Equitable Parenting

Unequal expectations are not only unfair, but also affect the well-being of both parents. Mothers report higher rates of parental burnout, 66% versus 38% of fathers, according to a 2021 study by the American Psychological Association, while fathers may feel trapped in roles that limit their emotional connection with their children.

To move toward more equitable parenting, it’s crucial, first and foremost, to change cultural narratives, stop idealizing maternal sacrifice, and normalize active father involvement. Ultimately, being a good father, like being a good mother, should not be measured by unequal social standards, but by the ability to provide love, support, and presence to children. Until society balances its expectations, mothers will continue to face a steeper path than fathers. And on that unbalanced scale, no one wins.

Translated by Amilkal Labañino / CubaSi Translation Staff